After years of trying to resolve her marital problems, Rose decided to secretly find a lover. Before putting her plan into action, she came to the sexology clinic for advice on how to avoid repeating what she called 'relationship failure'.
"I loved this man for sure, and for the last four years I did my best, but unfortunately it never worked out. In fact, I would have gone for a divorce, but that would have been too traumatic for him."
Rose planned to live with her husband and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
The problem was that Rose was in a sexless marriage. They attempted sex once or twice a year, but it ended in more frustration than pleasure. She bought blue pills, mkombero, kukumanga and various other supposed aphrodisiacs, but nothing worked. Her husband had no desire for sex, and when he was forced into it, he could not get an erection.
Delving into the family's history, it emerged that John, Rose’s husband, had started drinking alcohol in his adolescence. His alcohol consumption increased with age. He now drinks every single day. He had lost his job and was selling his assets to maintain his lifestyle. He usually came home between 11 pm and 1 am. He was always tipsy.
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“I can’t say how many beers he drinks, but on the few occasions I have joined him, it was between eight and twelve in one sitting,” Rose explained.
And therein lies the problem. If you drink more than two beers a day, be aware that it can be risky for your sexual health. Even wine is not safe if you drink more than two glasses a day. Alcohol may appear to remove nervousness and make you bold enough to ask for sex, but disappointment often follows in the bedroom.
“It was never like this when we got married. I have done everything I can. I have reported him to his parents, his brothers, and even his friends. Am I not justified in giving up?” she asked rhetorically.
Chronic alcohol use affects the liver. An affected liver is unable to metabolise the body's hormones appropriately, leading to imbalances in both alcoholic men and women. Furthermore, alcohol destroys nerves and interferes with blood flow to the sex organs. The net result is a variety of sexual dysfunctions.
Viscious cycle
Affected men have no desire for sex. They are like dead logs and cannot be enticed into sex. They may sleep next to you, naked, and your skin may touch, but they will not feel anything and will remain cold.
Some alcoholic men who still have some desire will not be able to maintain an erection. Before erectile dysfunction sets in completely, they may have a weak erection that fades during sex. Sooner or later, they simply won't get an erection at all.
For some, the problem starts with premature ejaculation. When they start having sex, they suddenly ejaculate, leaving their partner confused.
The psychological impact of declining vitality is traumatic for men. They lose self-esteem, become depressed and turn to alcohol. The more they drink, the worse the problem becomes — it's a vicious cycle that only they understand. A woman’s frustration and complaints about such a man, including revealing their bedroom difficulties to third parties, only serve to reduce his self-confidence further.
Under these circumstances, intimacy dies off. A woman may tolerate sexual failure for a while, but hell soon breaks loose. Arguments become commonplace, violence may ensue, and ultimately, divorce follows.
"That's exactly where I am, Doctor!" Rose exclaimed. "We've gone through the whole cycle, and I'm sorry, but this has to end. I'll find another man to cover for his failures."
However, alcohol-induced sexual dysfunction is not just a man’s problem. Women who drink get similar problems. Alcohol affects the liver, leading to a hormonal imbalance in women. The function of the ovaries is affected. This can lead to a low sex drive, irregular periods and even difficulty conceiving.
“Fortunately, I don’t drink, so the problem must be with him,”Rose interjected.
Even if the sexual organs are still functional, having sex with a drunk person, whether male or female, can be difficult.
"Very true! He would fumble around, not knowing what to do, and would even fall asleep during sex!" Rose exclaimed.
Indeed, a drunk person lacks the energy, coordination and skill to have satisfactory sex. They are unable to give their spouses pleasure.
To save Rose’s marriage, John was admitted to a rehabilitation centre for three months. He continued counselling as part of a support group thereafter.
He also underwent sex coaching to relearn sexual skills. Three years on, the family is strong and happy. It would be a different story if Rose had a secret lover.
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