It is unusual for members of chama to shy away from discussing even the most intimate aspects of sex. I was therefore taken aback when they invited me to their monthly meeting last Saturday and, for the first 15 minutes, struggled to articulate the subject they wanted us to discuss.
“I don't know where to start,” the chairperson said, avoiding eye contact with me.
“Well, it is the size of our womanhood that we are worried about,” a member shouted from the back of the room. “We think we are no longer cylinders but trapeziums!”
“Yes, and we are concerned about the River Nile that never dries up, leading to uncontrolled sliding rides,” another member chimed in.
After one colourful analogy after another, the women finally got to the point. Some said their husbands had, at one time or another, complained that their vaginas were too wide. Others had been criticised for producing what their partners considered excessive vaginal fluids.
As a result, several had resorted to using herbs and other substances to dry and tighten their vaginas. One member had even booked an appointment with a gynaecologist to explore surgery to reduce the size.
“Let us just say we want to become virgins again so that we can please our men,” the vice-chairperson said boldly, amid applause and laughter. “We want to hear your views and, more importantly, your advice on what we should do.”
Their concerns, though expressed humorously, pointed to a much deeper problem: the widespread belief that a vagina must be tight and dry for sex to be pleasurable.
For generations, there has been an unhealthy obsession with vaginal tightness and dryness. Many people have come to believe that a tighter vagina provides greater sexual pleasure, while vaginal wetness is somehow undesirable. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, adequate vaginal lubrication is a normal and healthy part of sexual arousal. During sexual stimulation, the vagina naturally produces fluid that reduces friction and makes penetration more comfortable. Lubrication is part of the body's preparation for sex, not a sign of disease or promiscuity.
Unfortunately, some men, particularly those with limited sexual knowledge, misinterpret vaginal lubrication as evidence that a woman is sexually loose. Rather than understanding it as a normal physiological response, they associate it with an unusually wide vagina.
Some even peddle the myth that women who lubricate easily are promiscuous, have had multiple sexual partners, have sexually transmitted infections or are being unfaithful to their husbands.
Yet, sadly, many women are falling victim to these misconceptions and putting their health at risk in an attempt to satisfy their partners.
Some insert herbs and traditional concoctions into their vaginas to reduce moisture. Others douche or use chemicals such as soap, acids and various salts in the belief that these will make the vagina tighter and drier. Some even insert cotton wool, tissue paper, towels or pieces of cloth to absorb vaginal fluids before sex.
There is also a growing tendency for women to seek vaginoplasty or other vaginal tightening procedures, sometimes without a clear medical indication, simply because they believe their vaginas are no longer tight enough to satisfy their partners.
These practices are not harmless. They can have serious consequences for vaginal and sexual health.The vagina has a delicate ecosystem of microorganisms, commonly referred to as the vaginal flora, which helps maintain a healthy environment and protects against infections. Its natural acidity also plays an important protective role.
Inserting herbs, chemicals, soaps and other substances can disrupt this delicate balance, irritate or damage vaginal tissue and increase the risk of infections such as bacterial vaginosis and candidiasis.
More worrying is what happens when women deliberately pursue dry sex. Without adequate lubrication, friction during penetration increases, potentially causing painful abrasions, bruising and tears in the vaginal lining.
When the vaginal tissue is damaged, the risk of acquiring sexually transmitted infections, including HIV, may increase if exposed to an infected partner. Painful intercourse can also become a recurring problem, affecting a woman's physical comfort, sexual confidence and overall wellbeing.
As for vaginal tightness, it is important to understand that the vagina is an elastic muscular canal. It naturally expands during sexual activity and childbirth and returns towards its usual resting state.
Where a woman experiences persistent changes, discomfort or symptoms such as a vaginal bulge, urinary leakage or pelvic pressure, a medical assessment may help identify underlying pelvic floor problems. Appropriate treatment, including pelvic floor physiotherapy, may be recommended where necessary.
“This sounds much more serious than I imagined,” the chairperson interrupted, looking around at the other members.
Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of these practices is not just the health risks but the social beliefs that sustain them.
Why should women feel compelled to alter their bodies, sometimes painfully, to meet men's expectations of sexual pleasure?
These practices reflect deeply entrenched attitudes about female sexuality: that a good woman should be tight down there; that she should not enjoy sex too much; that sex exists primarily for male pleasure. Some women endure painful intercourse because they fear that refusing their partners or failing to meet their expectations could threaten their relationships. This is a tragedy we must confront.
Healthy sexuality should be built on mutual pleasure, comfort, respect and informed consent. It should never require one partner to harm themselves to satisfy the other.
We must challenge the myths surrounding vaginal tightness and lubrication through sustained public education and policies that protect women's right to healthy and pleasurable sexuality.
Men must understand that vaginal wetness is normal, that tightness is not a measure of sexual virtue and that painful, dry sex is not a standard women should be expected to endure.
