When Jane entered the consultation room, I found myself standing up instinctively. She had an intimidating personality and physique. She was tall and elegant, and dressed expensively.
"I am 35 and a single mother. I am very responsible, but two weeks ago hell broke loose," she said, beginning to explain her reason for visiting the Sexology Clinic.
“So tell me about this hell that has broken loose,” I said.
“Why would a mother use her child's school fees to buy a gift for a man she knows nothing about? Why would she run around the streets in the middle of the night trying to find him?” she asked.
Jane had attended a graduation party where she met a man and fell in love instantly. Three weeks had passed since that incident. Since then, however, she had spent most of her time texting and calling him, buying him gifts, and looking for him in restaurants so they could share dinner and drinks. She spent every penny she had, including her child's school fees, on him. She thought she had gone mad.
Jane was experiencing the first stage of love and romance: lust. This stage is characterised by a strong biological drive, resulting in a loss of reason and control. When lust strikes, the brain releases several hormones, including dopamine and serotonin. These hormones are powerful and take over our behaviour completely.
"I can't believe I've already had unprotected sex with him. I could be pregnant or infected with HIV, but I don't care at all. I'll do anything to be with him!" she exclaimed.
Researchers have compared the brains of cocaine addicts with those of people experiencing the initial stages of romantic love, and found that they exhibit many similarities. Those affected exhibit compulsive behaviour, some of which can be dangerous. Similar brain activity is seen in maniacs. When people claim to be madly in love, their brains literally are mad, making them irrational and indifferent to what the world thinks of them.
Lust is nature's way of perpetuating our genes by driving us towards intimacy, sex and reproduction. There is nothing abnormal about it. We just need to be aware of it when it happens, which hopefully can help us to regain some sanity.
The lust drive commonly results in several bouts of sex. When it hits, you will defy your religion, your parents and your long-term friends, and simply obey the forces of nature.
Anyone trying to make you see sense becomes your enemy and is instantly reported to your new-found lover. People have resigned from their jobs, eloped and abandoned their children, husbands and even wives, all for the pleasures of the moment.
“I hear you, but I must also confess that I love the guy. I'm not being foolish; he's just the one God made for me. I've never felt like this before!” Jane interrupted, staring into space. I nodded with understanding.
Unfortunately, the hormones that drive lust do not last forever. They soon dry up, and societal norms and expectations set in. You realise that you can't live on love alone, that work, relatives and friends still matter, and that the person you fell in love with is human with weaknesses, not an angel.
It soon dawns on you that sex has its place in life and is not everything. You quickly learn that unsafe sex has consequences. When reality hits, bad men run away from responsibility and abandon women; the woman bears the consequences of lust forever, often in the form of single parenting.
“Oops, that reminds me of the father of my first baby," said Jane sadly. "He took off when he realised I was pregnant. I went into depression and attempted suicide several times!"
One might argue that, having been bitten once, Jane would be wary of falling into the same trap in her second relationship. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. When the hormones of lust take control, reason is lost, and history repeats itself.
The solution lies in understanding the biology of love. When it happens to you, just understand what your body is going through and try to mitigate the undesirable consequences by thinking things through.
One powerful thing you can do is delay sex until you are sure that nature is driving you in the right direction.
“Good advice, doctor, but what about my case now that I have indulged and enjoyed the fruits of nature?" Jane asked, smiling.
"Well, it's never too late. Pregnancy and HIV tests can help with planning. Having a chat with your partner about your future is also helpful. If lust has driven you to such madness that you cannot think straight, getting a relationship mentor could help.”
